Of Zombies and Zambonis

In my dream, I was being held against my will in the basement of a building. It was something like a clinic with various quasi medical apparatuses in a few different rooms. I was concerned about a middle-aged woman who was not there at the time. She dressed similarly to a nurse, but I perceived she was much more like a warden. I remembered having tried to escape, but somehow I had not succeeded, perhaps because of her or one of the unseen attendants.

In one dimly-lit room, there were about 9 people standing in a few rows. They were vacant, almost inanimate zombies. Their androgynous, naked bodies were slick with blood diluted by sweat and who knows what else. Every few minutes a tone sounded, and they would all adjust a limb or change their stance into a new pose so that their muscles would not grow rigid. I feared that I was to be made one of them very soon.

Then I was showering. Sensing that I was momentarily unattended, I made for the way out, still wet and unclothed. I went up a  stairwell that was painted in white enamel. The stairs came to a glass-enclosed landing. I pushed through the door into a government office with a long service counter behind which stood many gaping public workers. I told them that I am being held captive and need help. They just stared at me uncertain of what to do. I was naked. They could do nothing to help to me. What little compassion or ethical obligation they may have had was not enough to motivate them to action. I exited the same door into the parking garage, then–no longer naked–out through the traffic of a busy New York City street.

A small park was across the street, and there was a stand of neatly-planted  shrubs that formed a canopy of dense red foliage, knee-high above the grainy, dry soil. I momentarily took cover there, and then moved on.

At the park’s far end I met the street that ran perpendicular to the one I had crossed. A slow moving service vehicle crawled down the street toward me. It was made of heavy diamond plate patterned metal with worn yellow paint, an atop were two men operating it. I went between parallel-parked cars into the street and thumbed a ride, climbing aboard as it lumbered past. When I got on, there was only the driver. He wore old jeans and a coat, both of faded denim, and a red and black flannel shirt. He was poorly shaven and had a thick mustache of course blond whiskers that looked very blue collar.

Moments later we were in a parking garage that was painted in glossy white enamel, with railings painted with glossy yellow that accentuated them. It was very clean. I then knew that it was the same building from which I had just fled.

He parked not far from a clear glass door that apparently went into a residential area. He told me about how he was going to have a procedure performed that shrinks the brain to 1/4 its size. As he explained this, I watched a diagram showing an overhead view of the silhouette of a normal-sized brain, and a 25% scale silhouette aligned to the upper left of  the larger image for comparison. It had the appearance of high quality medical marketing material. Very slick and technical.

“Once done, you don’t have to think ever again. They got a TV channel with ultimate wrestling championships 24 hours a day. You can just watch,”  he said.

I then understood the zombies.

I asked him if I could take the Zamboni back out. It wasn’t a real Zamboni. I just called it that, tribute to Schultz’ strange Zamboni period in Peanuts.

The moustache-man handed me a keyring heavily-laden with keys. Then another that was even heavier. The second was so that I could get inside when I got back. I told him “Okay,” even though I knew that if I managed to get out, there was no way I would be coming back.

____

When I woke up, I told Heidi a brief version of this dream.

My Secret Life as a Gay Tourist in Asia

A couple years ago, I took a business trip to Beijing for Novell, along with several of my colleagues.

One of the excursions was to the Great Wall. Because United Airlines (who collectively eat their unhatched young) had lost my luggage, I ended up wearing some shorts borrowed from my colleague Justin Taylor. I was stuck wearing the dark shoes I had worn on the plane, and some dress socks I had picked up in the city. I looked like a even more of a dork than usual.

At the Great Wall, we clowned around and took some pictures. I posted the pictures on Flickr, titling one, “Justin and Ted’s Big Gay Chinese Adventure.” The name just fit. Here’s the picture:

(I suppose Justin is kind of the “Papa Bear” type.)

At the end of February, I received the following message through my Flickr account:

Using one of your photos

Hi, I’m Jessica, an editor at a magazine in Shanghai, China called City Weekend. We have an LGBT Column in the magazine and our columnist came upon your photo titled “Justin an Teds Big Gay Chinese Adventure” and would like to run it in with his article. I see you’ve restricted it’s use online but I was wondering if we could have your permission to run it and if you had a higher res copy of it. If you do and we can, of course we’d be happy to credit you for the photo in the magazine.Please let me know if we can use the photo or not. The best way to reach me is via email at Jessica@XXXXXX.com.cn or if you want to call China, 13X-02XX-8XXX.Cheers, Jessica Beaton Shanghai Senior Editor City Weekend Magazine Ringier Asia

Which made me laugh. Here is my response to Jessica’s request:

Re: Using one of your photos

Jessica: I would gladly allow you to use the photo in your publication on the following condition: if you do use it in your publication, you must send me 5 copies of whatever edition of City Weekend the picture appears in.Please send to: Ted Haeger University of Pyrotechnics Street/City/etc. USA Thank you for your kind inquiry, – –Ted

It took me three weeks, so I hope–for posterity’s sake–that my response wasn’t too late.

June 8, 2008 Follow-up: Sigh. Still no magazines and no response.

Richard Dawkins meets Stephen Colbert

Film at 11:30.

Hrab’s Legal Department Responds

Ah, the plot thickens…Mr. George Hrab's legal department is now in the fray. Fortunately, they effectively bolster my case against CDBaby, and even hint that perhaps the distributor may not even be an actual baby.

With Mr. Hrab wisely choosing to align with my side of the case, things appear to bode badly regarding CDBaby's ability to deliver on the still unfulfilled special request I made.

Dear Rev. Ted-

Greetings from the land of all things Geologic. In response to your
current class action suit, the legal department here at the Geologic
Headquarters for World Domination (GHWD) has been advised to clear up
a few details regarding the exchange betwixt you and the disc
distribution company currently called "CDBABY" (CDBABY).

Whereas the REQUEST for a signed, in drag photo with accompanying
note was sent to CD BABY, the sent card announcing the release of
Mssr.Hrab's latest and mostest disc entitled INTERROBANG was MAILED
from Geologic records and NOT from CDBABY. One of our hundreds of
chained indentured interns who troll the internet found the Very
Reverend's blog and decided to act on his request of their own
volition, and NOT after a prompt from CDBABY.

We feel that this is an important detail that ought not to be looked
over when considering the "facts" in the "case" against CD "Baby".

Far be it from us to shill for the corporate yuch machine that is
CDBABY. Screw those guys. Screw 'em with a big black nozzle.

We do recommend however, that you buy Mr. Hrab's latest and besterest
disc entitled INTERROBANG from CDBABY as soon as it is available.

Hey a buck's a buck.

Thanks, and keep on suin'.

Legally yours*

Prof. Whizzo J. Wollsocket, Esq.

*this is not a guarantee or offer, but a colloquial closing.
–

George Hrab
www.geologicrecords.net

Sadly, CDBaby could have avoided all of this if they had at least attempted the happy face stickers. But that ship has set sail.

From the Secret Email Files…

Dear Mr. Hrab:

Thank you for the nice note on your recent announcement card for the Interrobang CD release concert. As you probably are aware, I have launched a consumer whistleblower campaign against CDBaby.com on my widely read blog. (I have over six regular readers.)

While I cannot make it to the CD release event (due to geographic issues, and the intermittent nature of my ability to astrally project myself–especially in the presence of skeptics), I appreciate your offer and will be enjoying your two previous CD's in lieu of attending your soiree.

However, I advise you that my campaign on CDBaby is quite likely to slow or stall sales, which could result in your becoming collateral damage in this cold war of words.

Sincerely thine,
–
–Rev

Ted Haeger
http://edgarvanpeebles.blogspot.com

Note to My 6+ Readers: This could all go south into an inadvertant harrassment case if I'm not careful…. If the blogs stop for 6-24 months, you'll know why.

Slowly the Goods Come In

The saga continues…

CDBaby records sent me the CD's. Nevermind the music…did they match the special requests?!

Here are CDBaby's initial grades:

• Request: Please put a couple stickers with crudely drawn smiley faces on the back of each jewel case. The stickers can be on the cellophane, but please make sure the smiley faces are only one the back. Extra credit for work done in color.
• Grade: F. They didn't even try.

• Request: Note that says: "Dear Reverend Ted: It's about damn time that you bought these. Way to keep a girl waiting. I mean, really! –George Hrab" Extra credit for having Mssr Hrab actually sign the note.
• Grade: C+. Along with the CD's, CDBaby included a large card with the requested text. The card looked like something that CDBaby uses for thankyou notes and the like. The text was laserprinted on a stick=on label. So, while CDBaby did in fact meet the requirements, the rather obviously re-purposed card retrofit with a label onto which my requested text had been cut and pasted demonstrates a lack of creativity not deserving of a higher grade.

• Request: Include a picture of Mssr Hrab dressed in drag and standing on a street corner holding his thumb out as though he were hitching a ride, it would be totally hot. I mean H-O-T. Hot. Thanks.
• Grade: F. Even in the face of extreme hotness, they didn't even try.

Update:
A postcard announcing George Hrab's CD release party for Interrobang came in the mail today. On it, signed by Mr. Hrab, was the note I had requested. It was small print in all capitals, but it meets the order well. Therefore, I upgrade CDBaby's evaluation on the second request to B+. However, the extra credit for the signature bumps CDBaby up to a solid A.
For what it's worth, the picture on the postcard was of Mr. Hrab completely naked, except for a pair of red, low-top Converse and a white disk bearing an interrobang (?!) covering his naughty bits. While Mr. Hrab appears to have plenty of time to spend in the gym, CDBaby does not get to count this toward the "Hrab in Drag" request. I'll settle for nothing less than the real deal.

CDBaby Responds (sort of)

Well, CDBaby responded in kind, although I'm not so sure it was really anything other than their standard message for all orders. Whether they fulfill the special requests I put on my order remains to be seen, but I think we're at least well aligned in humor.

Reverend -
Thanks for your order with CD Baby!

Qty Description Price Total
=== =========== ===== =====
1 GEORGE HRAB: coelacanth $10.00 $10.00
1 GEORGE HRAB: vitriol $10.00 $10.00

Sub Total $20.00
Shipping $3.85
Grand Total $23.85

Your CDs have been gently taken from our CD Baby shelves with sterilized contamination-free gloves and placed onto a satin pillow.

A team of 50 employees inspected your CDs and polished them to make sure they were in the best possible condition before mailing.

Our packing specialist from Japan lit a candle and a hush fell over the crowd as he put your CDs into the finest gold-lined box that money can buy.

We all had a wonderful celebration afterwards and the whole party marched down the street to the post office where the entire town of Portland waved 'Bon Voyage!' to your package, on its way to you, in our private CD Baby jet on this day, Tuesday, November 1st.

I hope you had a wonderful time shopping at CD Baby. We sure did. Your picture is on our wall as "Customer of the Year". We're all exhausted but can't wait for you to come back to CDBABY.COM!!

Thank you once again,

Derek Sivers, president, CD Baby
the little CD store with the best new independent music
phone: 1-800-448-6369
email: cdbaby@cdbaby.com

George Hrab CD’s Available Online

I discovered a tweaked-out musician named George Hrab from the skepticality podcast. His influences are some of my favorite artists, and his music generally has a scientific/skeptical angle, so how could I not get some of his work?

I found his disks are available online, then I noticed that the order process has the following step:

Any special instructions, comments, or questions? Gift-wrapping or a personal card? Tell us now!

So naturally, I made a request:

Please put a couple stickers with crudely drawn smiley faces on the back of each jewel case. The stickers can be on the cellophane, but please make sure the smiley faces are only one the back. Extra credit for work done in color.

Then I read this:

(There's almost no request we can't handle, so feel free to ask, OK?)

So I added:

Also, if you would include a note that says: "Dear Reverend Ted: It's about damn time that you bought these. Way to keep a girl waiting. I mean, really! –George Hrab" Extra credit for having Mssr Hrab actually sign the note.

Thinking about it further, I realized that these requests which I previously thought might seem absurd were actually not that challenging at all…

Finally, if you would include a picture of Mssr Hrab dressed in drag and standing on a street corner holding his thumb out as though he were hitching a ride, it would be totally hot. I mean H-O-T. Hot. Thanks.

I'll let you know outcome.

Update: Joined the Skeptic Webring–Rejected

Rejected [If you know the Rancid song, hum along]:
I tried to join the Skeptic Webring. Although I had browsed through some of its linked sites many times, it took a recent "well, duh!" moment for me to realize that I can be just as pompous as the next skeptic, so why not put this blog on it? Well, as you can see from the reply below, my content is apparently not abundantly skeptical, or the reviewer was skeptical about the abundance of skepticism. Personally, I think it's because I took Michael Shermer to task in my review of How We Believe. If I were him, I would have rejected the site more for being abusively tedious. But, what are you gonna do?

Here's a contribution:
For any skeptics that stumble across me through the ring, here is yet another way to find cool web content:

1. Get the Mozilla Firefox browser. You can use this button:
2. Get the StumbleUpon plugin. (Tools –> Extensions –> Get more Extensions) This requires you to restart your browser.
3. Set up a Stumbler account.
4. Set your preferences to include things like atheism, consciousness, etc
5. Enjoy stumbling upon new sites with the "Stumble!" button.

Et viola, you can now find cool stuff that the serious web surfers with your interests have already stumbled upon.

Afterthought:
Eventually, I may take off the webring link below. I leave it up for now, since I bear no hard feelings whatsoever about the heartless and cruelly cursory rejection I received. None at all.

Reverend Ted’s Politics

On Murky.org's blog I found a biographical entry for the Political Compass that was rather interesting to me. It tries to replace the over-simplified left-right political spectrum with a two-dimensional map.

I come out as this:

• Economic Left/Right: -3.25
• Social Libertarian/Authoritarian: -4.82

I suppose that is to say that I lean toward a liberal/libertarian political view.

So, oversimplified political classifications still suck.

One thing that my test results indicate is that my political views will probably keep me out of politics; not authoritarian enough it appears. However, I've got Nelson Mandela and the Dalai Lama in the same quadrant as me…not sure if the latter is such a good thing, but Mandela's pretty cool.