Of Zombies and Zambonis

In my dream, I was being held against my will in the basement of a building. It was something like a clinic with various quasi medical apparatuses in a few different rooms. I was concerned about a middle-aged woman who was not there at the time. She dressed similarly to a nurse, but I perceived she was much more like a warden. I remembered having tried to escape, but somehow I had not succeeded, perhaps because of her or one of the unseen attendants.

In one dimly-lit room, there were about 9 people standing in a few rows. They were vacant, almost inanimate zombies. Their androgynous, naked bodies were slick with blood diluted by sweat and who knows what else. Every few minutes a tone sounded, and they would all adjust a limb or change their stance into a new pose so that their muscles would not grow rigid. I feared that I was to be made one of them very soon.

Then I was showering. Sensing that I was momentarily unattended, I made for the way out, still wet and unclothed. I went up a  stairwell that was painted in white enamel. The stairs came to a glass-enclosed landing. I pushed through the door into a government office with a long service counter behind which stood many gaping public workers. I told them that I am being held captive and need help. They just stared at me uncertain of what to do. I was naked. They could do nothing to help to me. What little compassion or ethical obligation they may have had was not enough to motivate them to action. I exited the same door into the parking garage, then–no longer naked–out through the traffic of a busy New York City street.

A small park was across the street, and there was a stand of neatly-planted  shrubs that formed a canopy of dense red foliage, knee-high above the grainy, dry soil. I momentarily took cover there, and then moved on.

At the park’s far end I met the street that ran perpendicular to the one I had crossed. A slow moving service vehicle crawled down the street toward me. It was made of heavy diamond plate patterned metal with worn yellow paint, an atop were two men operating it. I went between parallel-parked cars into the street and thumbed a ride, climbing aboard as it lumbered past. When I got on, there was only the driver. He wore old jeans and a coat, both of faded denim, and a red and black flannel shirt. He was poorly shaven and had a thick mustache of course blond whiskers that looked very blue collar.

Moments later we were in a parking garage that was painted in glossy white enamel, with railings painted with glossy yellow that accentuated them. It was very clean. I then knew that it was the same building from which I had just fled.

He parked not far from a clear glass door that apparently went into a residential area. He told me about how he was going to have a procedure performed that shrinks the brain to 1/4 its size. As he explained this, I watched a diagram showing an overhead view of the silhouette of a normal-sized brain, and a 25% scale silhouette aligned to the upper left of  the larger image for comparison. It had the appearance of high quality medical marketing material. Very slick and technical.

“Once done, you don’t have to think ever again. They got a TV channel with ultimate wrestling championships 24 hours a day. You can just watch,”  he said.

I then understood the zombies.

I asked him if I could take the Zamboni back out. It wasn’t a real Zamboni. I just called it that, tribute to Schultz’ strange Zamboni period in Peanuts.

The moustache-man handed me a keyring heavily-laden with keys. Then another that was even heavier. The second was so that I could get inside when I got back. I told him “Okay,” even though I knew that if I managed to get out, there was no way I would be coming back.

____

When I woke up, I told Heidi a brief version of this dream.

The Greatest Gift of All

Okay, so you want :

1. to get something fun for a kid/the kids/the family.
2. to really impress your spouse/significant other/love interest
3. to get yourself something that makes you feel like you know about something special

My suggestion:

• Give the gift of Monstrous, Huge, Unbelievably Big Bubbles with the Bubble Thing.

The pictures show my mother making a big bubble, and the actual bubble she made.

I first used “the Bubble Thing” many years ago while in college. I just got one for myself after all these years and re-discovered the simple, wonderful joys that it brings. And not just to me, my wonderful, beautiful girlfriend Heidi loves to watch.

The monster bubbles that you make with the Bubble Thing wobble in the wind and swirl with magnificent iridescent colors. Many sink to the ground and pop, but some find enough lift to fly skyward. (Heidi forms personal relationships with each one I make, talking to them, rooting for them, telling them not to hit this tree branch, or those wires, or the wall of a building.)

It’ll cost you about $12 (not including some Dawn dish soap).

In Praise of Scuba Mau

During our week long stay in Cozumel, we used the services of a small, local dive shop called Scuba Mau. Owned by a couple named Mauricio (“Mau”) and Opal, Scuba Mau is a relatively new establishment right near the Villablanca hotel, just south of town. We loved them and should we ever return to Cozumel, we would definitely use them again. Exclusively.

My buddy John found Scuba Mau through Internet reviews. People raved about them consistently, so we went to them first. Here’s what we liked about them.

Small, Fast Boats
Opal and Mau are divers, and love the dive scene. As such, they know that smaller groups on faster boats make for better dives. They aim to use a six-pack dive boat rather than a bigger, slower dive boat. This gives them a greater range of sites to choose from, and makes each dive an uncrowded, intimate event.
Scuba Mau recently got their own boat, but they were not using it yet because they are still raising enough cash (~$18K USD) to get permits.

You Decide Where to Dive
If you do your research before getting to Cozumel, you can learn about the various dive sites and creatures you might see around that part of Cozumel. This is really nice with Scuba Mau, since they usually don’t pre-plan their dive sites. Each morning, as we loaded the boat, the dive master would ask whether we wanted to go to a specific site or see anything in particular. Because the groups are so small, and the other divers rarely had a destination in mind, we were able to request what we wanted each morning we were there.

No Guessing on Dive Plans
I’ve been on too many dives with inadequate communication about the dive. Each of the four dive masters that we had with Scuba Mau was articulate and thorough about the dive briefing. (You can tell that Mau and Opal expect this of their dive masters.) And because you’re always in a smaller group, you can easily get clarifications, ask questions or make requests as you need.

Great Istructors
While John and I dove, I put my girlfriend Heidi in school. Since Mau was busy, they brought in a local dive instructor named Mario. (He’s not exclusively affiliated with Scuba Mau, but I got the impression that they call him in fairly often.) Mario was an outstanding instructor for Heidi. His relaxed and friendly attitude, and endless patience, gave her exactly the kind of learning environment she needed. Even on the first day in which she became a bit seasick from the choppy water, Mario’s calm understanding made it easy for Heidi. Best of all, because of the small boat, John and I were able to join for Heidi’s first two open water dives, with no one else on the boat but the captain.

Relaxed and Friendly
The last (and first) word on any dive shop should always be about their attitude toward safety and toward people. Scuba Mau’s team are all very relaxed and friendly, and both inside the small shop and out on its small, street-front lawn everything is nice and casual. You never feel like you’re in the way for hanging out. In fact, they all really seem to enjoy the company of people with an explorer’s worldly mindset. Put short, they’re just not at all uptight.
Does that imply that they’re not careful? Not at all. Their equipment is all in servicible condition. The staff loads the boat efficiently, with all the necessary precautions and back-up equipment. Every member of the Scuba Mau team is always concerned about not only your safety, but also your comfort.

More Information
Scuba Mau’s website will provide you the latest contact information.

Return from Cozumel

Heidi and me at 60' below

Heidi and I had a wonderful time together enjoying the tropical air, watching her learn to dive, falling in love in new ways, diving with John Lancaster, dining and playing card games with John and Liz, and generally doing an unlax and rewind.

To take a dive vacation while unemployed is a strange experience. It feels reckless and irresponsible, even if I had paid for most of the trip while I was still employed. I certainly prefer not needing to be quite such a spendthrift.

Pictures from our dive are now online on facebook.

Shark Dives and Post-Vacation Detoxified Bliss

I miss the post-vacation detoxified bliss already. Seems that one day back at the office has already downgraded the bliss to a “not quite stressed yet” status.

But, I dove with sharks, and that is a good thing.

In the photo, I’m in the middle. My buddy John Lancaster is on the right.

Posting video shortly.

Video now linked. (200MB, ~13:00
, Mp4 .Mov)

In San Jose…

I became aware of my dreams before I became aware of the world. In the dark of my teenage bedroom, consciousness reassembled slowly and the Groovie Ghoulies played in my head.

G-R-O-O, V-I-E-e-E

G-H-O-U, L-I-E-e-E

A sometimes-used neuron conjured a memory of Jim Favor (Jim F’n Favor), my upstairs neighbor when I lived with Lolly.

I still think of you, Laurel. In a bygone time, you are always mine.

The day began this way.

My Secret Life as a Gay Tourist in Asia

A couple years ago, I took a business trip to Beijing for Novell, along with several of my colleagues.

One of the excursions was to the Great Wall. Because United Airlines (who collectively eat their unhatched young) had lost my luggage, I ended up wearing some shorts borrowed from my colleague Justin Taylor. I was stuck wearing the dark shoes I had worn on the plane, and some dress socks I had picked up in the city. I looked like a even more of a dork than usual.

At the Great Wall, we clowned around and took some pictures. I posted the pictures on Flickr, titling one, “Justin and Ted’s Big Gay Chinese Adventure.” The name just fit. Here’s the picture:

(I suppose Justin is kind of the “Papa Bear” type.)

At the end of February, I received the following message through my Flickr account:

Using one of your photos

Hi, I’m Jessica, an editor at a magazine in Shanghai, China called City Weekend. We have an LGBT Column in the magazine and our columnist came upon your photo titled “Justin an Teds Big Gay Chinese Adventure” and would like to run it in with his article. I see you’ve restricted it’s use online but I was wondering if we could have your permission to run it and if you had a higher res copy of it. If you do and we can, of course we’d be happy to credit you for the photo in the magazine.Please let me know if we can use the photo or not. The best way to reach me is via email at Jessica@XXXXXX.com.cn or if you want to call China, 13X-02XX-8XXX.Cheers, Jessica Beaton Shanghai Senior Editor City Weekend Magazine Ringier Asia

Which made me laugh. Here is my response to Jessica’s request:

Re: Using one of your photos

Jessica: I would gladly allow you to use the photo in your publication on the following condition: if you do use it in your publication, you must send me 5 copies of whatever edition of City Weekend the picture appears in.Please send to: Ted Haeger University of Pyrotechnics Street/City/etc. USA Thank you for your kind inquiry, – –Ted

It took me three weeks, so I hope–for posterity’s sake–that my response wasn’t too late.

June 8, 2008 Follow-up: Sigh. Still no magazines and no response.

Dad’s Birthday

with my Dad
Originally uploaded by thaeger.

It's my Dad's birthday today. My dad is Jack Haeger, former Chair of the English Department at San Jose State University. He's now retired and spends his time playing bridge and goofing around in Baja, where he and his wife have a condo.
Happy birthday, Dad!

Friends of the Evolution

My friend Scott read a lengthy entry on my professional blog and sent me an email saying: "You saw a good National Geographic program on human evolution and you didn't tell me about it?!"

How cool is it to have friends that are offended when you don't tell them about something evolution-related!

Post Costa Rica

Now on the return flight from Costa Rica. Kim and I had a great time at Drake Bay, and really did not want to leave when our time came up.

I got my first chance to use the PADI open water dive certification that I got a year ago. The dives were spectacular, and one of the experienced divers (divemaster with over 400 dives) told me that I was probably going to have inflated expectations going into my next dive. We saw Moray Eels in good number, and on each of the four dives we saw several white-tipped sharks calmly cruising the reef or idling on the sandy bottom. Fishes there numbered in the thousands per school and the variety was staggering. Best of all was that I got to swim with a Pacific Giant Manta on my first and second dive. It was absolutely amazing.